I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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