I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
