I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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