Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Found the puke drawer
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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