I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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