Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
