First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
PANTIES FOUND
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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