After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize