I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize