It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
