Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
