Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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