So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
