I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize