So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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