at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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