Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
