Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Of course I have a pirate flag
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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