You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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