Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Randomize
