I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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