goodnight i made you a song goodbye
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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