If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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