well you can't waste a boner
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
