I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
