The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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