I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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