When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
