I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
