Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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