We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Drunk walkin through police station. America
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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