remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
