you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
What a dumb baby whore.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
