12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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