Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
