i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
