i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
