Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
