I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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