thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize