I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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