You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
