I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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