My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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