I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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