So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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