don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
