Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
