Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
