In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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