i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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