My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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