it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize