fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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