i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
she smelled like a LAN party
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
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