Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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