i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she pinky promised me she was 18
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
