im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
