forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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