i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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