she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
