I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
