I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
